I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
try to milk me bitch
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