he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
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i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
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He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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