what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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