I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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