I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
