They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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