At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
