if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
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Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
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I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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