Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
