I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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