My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
How does one acquire holy water?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize