I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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