she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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