this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
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Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
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I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?