Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
