if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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