I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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