His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
