When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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