I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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