Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
