Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
