when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
