Don't make out with my wife yet
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
