you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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