gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize