I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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