In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
