Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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