I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
