My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
