Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
