my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
