Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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