what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
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I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
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I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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