I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
