I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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