guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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