i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
