we made out on top of his cat.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
