just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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