Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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