highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
