Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
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