I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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