Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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