She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
