Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
