I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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