I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
