My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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