home. puking in laundry basket.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.