Texts From Last Night

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  (319): View more from Iowa

  True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes

  (847): View more from Illinois

  And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.

  (319): View more from Iowa

  At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.

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  (319): True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes (847): And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me. (319): At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements. http://tfl.nu/k3x0
  Replies (32) Good night (4497) Bad night (664)
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Five things that make you perfect. Go.

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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  (918): Five things that make you perfect. Go. (1-918): The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses. http://tfl.nu/ni7m
  Replies (26) Good night (6407) Bad night (1046)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  No stitches, just platelets and will power

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  (215): No stitches, just platelets and will power http://tfl.nu/pdnf
  Replies (6) Good night (3065) Bad night (598)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.

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  (732): I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home. http://tfl.nu/01mk
  Replies (9) Good night (766) Bad night (3909)
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  (325): View more from Texas

  I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room

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  (325): I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room http://tfl.nu/mue9
  Replies (53) Good night (4542) Bad night (2484)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree

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  (617): I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree http://tfl.nu/6ra8
  Replies (23) Good night (6174) Bad night (1062)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives

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  (703): then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives http://tfl.nu/iy6u
  Replies (8) Good night (3940) Bad night (1090)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop

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  (217): Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop http://tfl.nu/m1fy
  Replies (13) Good night (6602) Bad night (1515)
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night

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  (636): Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night http://tfl.nu/yir7
  Replies (23) Good night (3295) Bad night (1581)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I was the one passing out cake at the bars

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  (720): I was the one passing out cake at the bars http://tfl.nu/ucfe
  Replies (4) Good night (2357) Bad night (758)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.

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  (651): You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME. http://tfl.nu/uum6
  Replies (4) Good night (2014) Bad night (1100)
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  (707): View more from California

  It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.

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  (707): It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know. http://tfl.nu/9rsw
  Replies (20) Good night (1603) Bad night (582)
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.

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  (479): I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk. http://tfl.nu/vgj4
  Replies (7) Good night (1150) Bad night (355)
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  (518): View more from New York

  I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..

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  (518): I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls.. http://tfl.nu/o5go
  Replies (3) Good night (558) Bad night (451)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.

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  (314): Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer. http://tfl.nu/va6e
  Replies (0) Good night (320) Bad night (164)

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