I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
