btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
