So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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