I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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